Remember When Jason Bateman Was A Horrible Boss?

After you are finished stuffing your faces with turkey, mashed potatoes, and mom’s pumpkin pie this week; Horrible Bosses 2 is at the movie theaters for you to go see (and inevitably pass out to due to a tryptophan induced coma). But, if you don’t feel like rolling your newly fat ass off the couch, putting on pants without elastic in the waistband, crawling out to your freezing car and driving to a theater while listening to ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ because it’s now officially Christmas Season, paying $15 of your hard earned money, buying popcorn (even though you are stuffed full) because who the fuck has the self-control NOT to, and then sitting/slipping in and out of sleep, through an hour thirty of a movie; then get your fill of Jason Bateman and company in Extract.

 

In this film, Bateman plays Joel, the owner of a plant (building, not vegetable) where they produce and bottle flavor extract. He is currently going through a dilemma where he has not had sex with his wife Suzie (Kristen Wiig) for an extended period of time due to her lack of motivation and low libido. Professional con artist, Cindy (Mila Kunis), starts working at his plant in the hopes to start wooing a recently injured man whom had one of his nuts shot off while working there. Her intention is to hook up with the nutless man with the intention of stealing his settlement money. Joel discusses his dismal sex life with his local bartender, Dean (long-haired Ben Affleck), who has met Cindy, and thinks Joel should have an affair with her. Joel says it would be easier to do if his wife Suzie had one first so he wouldn’t feel guilty about it. A few beers and a horse tranquilizer later, a plan to set his wife up to have an affair is devised and put into motion. The rest of the movie is basically everything backfiring on poor Joel, Suzie having her affair, and things ending up exactly where they started, minus a man’s ball.

 

Now, I love Arrested Development and I think that Michael Bluth is a well written and hilarious character. But to me, this movie is as if Michael Bluth was plucked out of Sudden Valley and dropped into an extract plant. Same exact character. I realize that Michael Bluth is Bateman’s best role he has ever had and he plays it so well, but can’t he bring back that versatility he showed in Teen Wolf Too (not on Netflix). Anyone who can play a young, spritely Fidel Castro as a high school student who is discovering girls, playing sports, and growing beards, must have the ability to play more than 1 character in every film/show for the rest of their life. That’s what Teen Wolf Too was about, right? Either way, Bateman’s character was basically him, playing Michael Bluth, playing Joel.

One question I have: Ben Affleck?? Judging by his timeline on IMDB, Ben hadn’t worked in 3 years when Extract was made in 2009; and judging by his hair, he hadn’t bathed during that period, either. And the last GOOD movie he was in was Dogma (also not on Netflix) in 1999. In those 10 years he was able to crap out such titles as Pearl Harbor, Daredevil, Gigli, and Jersey Girl. I guess after those abominations, you take whatever roles you can get, and playing a supporting-supporting-supporting actor in a mediocre movie is better than playing the lead opposite JLo and her classically trained thespian skills in Gigli (sarcasm being laid on pretty thick here).

 

One of the surprises of the movie: T.J. Miller. His role as Rory, a hard-rocking, slacker, fork lift driver at Joel’s extract plant; is one of the better roles in the movie and makes me wish the whole movie was about him. The other surprise: Gene Fucking Simmons plays the aggressive and morally questionable lawyer who is representing the employee who got his nut shot off. When he made his appearance in the movie, I thought to myself, “Oh shit. Gene Simmons?! Fucking stupid.” But, his character is actually pretty funny and works. He doesn’t make it overly dramatic and about himself; as he tends to do with everything else in his life.

The movie isn’t terrible. There are some good parts and the whole cast is pretty funny. There are some portions in the storyline that are a little unbelievable. The main one is how lucid and functional Joel is after he takes the horse tranquilizer and plans to set up his wife to have an affair; and then forgets he did so in the morning. I’ve never had a horse tranquilizer, but I have drank 12 beers in one sitting and I can only imagine it has a similar effect; minus the drawn on mustaches and pee pee pants. Either way, I bet you would not be able to hold a conversation, work out details of a plan, and appear to be composed as an accountant during tax season.

But, if you don’t feel like going out to the movies and putting on real clothes to cover up your belly after you’ve just consumed enough food to feed all the starving children in Africa, check out Extract. And if you fall asleep, you can re-watch that shit when you wake up and have a turkey sandwich.

 

Bon Ape tit.