What To Watch Instead of Those Boring Ass Oscars

I don’t care about the Oscars. Or any award show for that matter. Unless something groundbreaking is happening, - like the first time an Asian Transvestite with a lisp wins for Best Directing - frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.

As such, I’ve compiled a list of movies you should spend your Sunday watching, instead. I’ve decided to pick one film from the actors with the most Oscar Nominations who’ve yet to deliver their winning speech.

I begin this list with 2 actors hoping to finally lock it down in this 2015 race and one that was left out…again.

Julianne Moore (5)

Currently Nominated - Best Actress: Still Alice

There are a great deal of Julianne Moore movies currently streaming on Netflix; One choice is The Kids Are All Right. It’s a strange little nugget of a movie praised by many that would be doubly helpful to boot, as it would also cover paying respects to Annette Bening, who was nominated for her work in this film. You could also watch A Single Man because it is a film by Tom Ford and Tom Ford is perfect, or Don Jon because Scarlett Johansson is in it along with her entrancing butt and boobs and face and voice. But, I suggest going with The Hours. Structured around 3 complex women (Julianne Moore, Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman), on 3 separate days, all solely tied by Virginia Wolf’s novel, Mrs. Dalloway. It is a complex, elegant and profound film. And, if you gift it your patience, it will tear your heart out.

Watch: The Hours

Edward Norton (3)  

Currently Nominated - Best Supporting Actor: Birdman

Edward Norton is the man. He is godly in every single thing he is in. In a perfect world, every single one of his films would be streaming on Netflix forever. But, life is bullshit and so we have but a few options. The clear winner in this category is The Score because when a film stars Robert De Niro and Edward Norton, you fucking watch it.

Watch: The Score

Amy Adams (5)        

Currently Snubbed - Best Actress: Big Eyes

Amy Adams: the would-be-Pam-Beasly, has gone on to make a plethora of fantastic films, none of which she has been awarded for by the Academy. This year’s possible win for her work in Big Eyes wasn’t even nominated. To make matters more devastating, she can’t even sit on her fancy couch and find solace in her otherwise praised performances because Netflix only offers three of them. If you’re one who doesn’t care for artsy fartsy film types, you have an easy out with Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, a charming bit of fun filled with clearly comprehendible British accents I can clearly comprehend. But, the obvious choice here is The Master (Nominated), a strange and emotional film that also requires patience and an interest in deep interpretation.

Watch: The Master

Now on to the rest!!

Peter O’Toole (8)

Mr. O’Toole holds the record for the most Academy Award Nominations without a single win, and reigns Prince in my heart as the cutest old man to have ever lived, second only to my Grandpa. In 2003, the Academy tried to award Peter O’Toole an Honorary Oscar, and he DECLINED IT by stating, “I am still in the game and might win the lovely bugger outright. Would the Academy please defer the honor until I am 80?” The cuteness of this is layered: 1. He was adorably old-man-unaware that an Honorary Award does not disqualify one from ever winning a nominated Award in the future 2. He was 70 years old and still had big goals 3. He was dissed 7 times and still kept a positive attitude 4. He is mad polite 5. He said ‘lovely bugger outright.’   In the end, though, he received his Honorary Award and was nominated, thereafter, for his work in Venus. 

Now, you can clearly ignore this entire list and just watch all of Peter O’Toole’s films - I approve of that decision - But, if you’d rather not stray, then I can only narrow the Peter O’Toole selection down to these 3 (and you need to watch all 3): Venus (Nominated), Becket (Nominated), and Lassie (especially awesome if you’re into dogs and crying).

Watch: Venus, Becket & Lassie

Richard Burton (7)

The second most Oscar-Nominated-Loser-Legend, Richard Burton, was famously married to Elizabeth Taylor. Their turbulent love affair began during the time of Cleopatra, making this my Richard Burton film of choice. Sure, you can stream The Robe (Nominated) or Becket (Nominated) - 2 Birds, 1 Stone. Whattup, O’Toole?! - or you can go with my decision and watch where Liz & Dick began.

Watch: Cleopatra

Glenn Close (6)

Glenn Close is an under-appreciated, dramatic talent that has found the time to also make a buttload of children’s films, many of which Netflix happily shares with us. Of these, I would side with 101 Dalmations because one should always be down with 101 dogs. That said, Fatal Attraction (Nominated) is still the Glenn Close pick. Given the choice, I will always pick the film centered around a psychotic woman with a hairstyle rocked only by one who has nothing left to lose.

Watch: Fatal Attraction

Thelma Ritter (6)

The brilliant character actress, Thelma Ritter, got her big break in 1946 at the age of 44 in Miracle on 34th Street. 4 years later, she earned her first Oscar nomination for her work in All About Eve. Let’s go over this again. She got her big break at the age of 44. SHE WAS 44!! And was nominated for an Oscar 4 years later. 4 YEARS LATER. Bow down to Thelma. Let us watch her first Oscar Nominated Diss.

Watch: All About Eve

Deborah Kerr (6)

One of the best actresses of our time, Kerr was never the recipient of as many awards as she deserved. We don’t have too many options on Netflix to become acquainted with her work, either. Thankfully, An Affair to Remember and Heaven Knows, Mr. Allison (Nominated) are available. I would go with the prior simply because of the Cary Grant bonus!

Watch: An Affair to Remember

Leonardo DiCaprio (5)

Ahhhh, Leo. Leo, Leo, Leo. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Also, never a husband. -  You’re not yet ready to settle down, Leo. I get it. -  We all know his movies. And while Netflix offers some delicious options with DjangoThe Wolf of Wall Street (Nominated), and Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet (Should’ve Been Nominated), it is high time we pay his earlier work a visit. If you haven’t seen What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, then you just don’t know what Leo’s capable of. Respect for my boo.

Watch: What’s Eating Gilbert Grape

Annette Bening (4)

Annette Bening has only been nominated 4 times, but 3 of those performances (The Grifters, American Beauty, The Kids Are All Right) are on Netflix so I suggest you watch what the Academy felt was almost good enough. And while you’re there, watch Regarding Henry. Just trust me.

Watch: American Beauty

Marilyn Monroe - None and None

Marilyn Monroe, the most famous actress of all time, was never nominated for an Oscar. That’s pretty poetic. Get to know the iconic woman through her work, like she most wanted. Your choices are plenty: All About Eve. Monkey Business, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, How to Marry a Millionaire,  and There’s No Business Like Show Business.

Watch: How to Marry A Millionaire