It’s almost time, the time when you’re supposed to get all mushy and lovey-dovey, or for some, get your bitterness on for “Singles Awareness Day,” either way, the somewhat dreaded Valentine’s Day is finally among us. While most people are snuggling up to watch Valentine’s Day or some other cheesy BS, horror fans, as with any holiday, are busting out all their favorite Valentine’s Day slashers and watching romances that ooze with blood and guts. Although, Netflix is not currently streaming any of these gems, we’ve managed to compile a list of some relationships-gone-bloody-wrong type films, to fill your lovely gory needs. So this year, don’t go out, traffic will be bad and everywhere will be crowded anyway, stay at home with dear Netflix and watch these fictional characters sabotage their own relationships.
Warning: If your date is not really a horror fan, it is probably not wise to make these your date night picks.
Antichrist, starring Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg, is probably the most f—ed up film on this list, which is why it gets to be first. A married couple who really, and I mean really, enjoy banging, decide to venture into the woods after losing their son in an accident, for some form of therapeutic vacation. Unfortunately, things don’t really pan out as intended, as you might expect from parents experiencing such a tragedy, and instability takes over leading the couple to chaos. The emotions are exceptionally captured through some beautifully, demented scenes, as you watch the two fight then screw, then fight some more, until lunacy consumes and the blood begins to pour. Again, this is a really messed up movie, so if you aren’t in the right place mentally, maybe just don’t.
If there’s one lesson director/writer Eric England teaches us in this film, and an important one to remember as the day for love approaches, safe sex is very important. Although, Contracted isn’t about a relationship, since the protagonist Samantha, played by Najarra Townsend, experienced date-rape to contract her disease, she winds up creating relationships that spread said disease, and we all can learn that when given the opportunity, it’s definitely best to have a condom on hand…and, you know, not hookup with people who’s faces are falling off. If you’re still wandering the dating world, this is an awesomely gross movie that will really get you to not trust anyone…happy V-Day!
Based on the Joe Hill novel, Horns is a film from director Alexandre Aja, about a young man, Ig Perrish (Daniel Radcliffe) who makes it his job to find the murderer of his girlfriend Merrin (Juno Temple). While being blamed for a crime he didn’t commit, Ig begins to grow some gnarly looking horns that force people to act honestly toward him, unveiling humans as the meticulous and sexual beings we really are. Ig, after an intense self-realization, is able to use this power to find who really murdered his beloved and things get pretty bloody and weird toward the end. Overall, it’s a good movie, some scenes are a little over the top and seem out of place, but it all blends together for a touching and deadly love story.
OTHER LISTS TO MEND YOUR BROKEN HEART:
- Rom-Coms For Those Who Will Die Alone
- 5 Lifetime Movies Worth Your Time in Beer
Witching and Bitching (2013)
This movie isn’t extremely gory, but it’s so fun and centered heavily on destroyed relationships, that I couldn’t not include it. Alex de la Iglesia, known for making bizarrely adventurous films, directs this feature about men who are beaten down by strong and powerful women, and spend the duration of the movie complaining about them. The film has apparently been called misogynistic for its commentary and set-up to make all women seem evil, but, and I’m saying this as a feminist, this is just a portrayal of what broken-hearted men conjure up of the women that have wronged them. The 15th century ideal and paranoia that all women are men-eating witches comes to fruition in Witching and Bitching with a heavy layer of satire enveloping the men who play self-made victims in what they think is a woman’s world.
If you haven’t watched Franck Khalfoun’s remake of the 1980 film Maniac with Elijah Wood as Frank, a psycho murderer who enjoys scalping women for his mannequin collection, then correct yourself, ask for forgiveness and go watch it right now. This super romantic film features exceptional gore and the type of love story only serial killers can provide. While it seems Frank is simply on the hunt for a wholesome relationship, it’s apparent that he’s doomed to bad dates, until he meets Anna (Nora Arnezeder), a photographer who wins his heart. While falling in love can make anyone some kind of crazy, for Frank, this only means needing more scalps for his mannequins. So this Valentine’s Day enjoy a well-made remake and watch Frank try to control his urges and find the happiness he doesn’t really deserve.