Christmas is quickly closing in and the hours to watch all of the holiday movies that Netflix has to offer are rapidly decreasing. Now, if you are like me, you grew up on the “classics”: A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, Scrooged, and Die Hard.
If you have browsed the holiday Specials category on Netflix, there is an eclectic array of shows that you may or probably haven’t heard of. To help guide your way through the intimidating and unrecognizable list of movies, I have sacrificed several hours and beers to watch the ones that looked good, okay, and down right shitty. The results that I found during my highly scientific observations were interesting.
- That the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) has a Christmas movie.
- Christmas movies and alcohol are a great combination and make them much more interesting.
- Some of the movies that I initially thought would be absolute crap, turned out to be decent and some that have a decent cast and look promising, turned out to be absolutely awful.
To make things easy, I have made a couple of lists. To stay within the spirit of the season, I have divided them into two categories: Naughty and Nice. The Naughty list is for the movies that I either fell asleep watching, or there wasn’t enough beer in my fridge to keep it interesting. The Nice list is for the movies that are entertaining and an all around decent flick. Let’s start with the Nice.
1. Mighty Morphin Megaforce: Christmas Special (TV)
Only 23 minutes and chocked full of hilarious situations. The main one being Robo Knight telling African children what Christmas is and giving them toys and 2014 Denver Broncos Super Bowl Champions t-shirts. Oh, and the other one where none of the Power Rangers never change their clothes (watch it).
2. Trailer Park boys: Xmas Special (TV)
If you’ve never watched The Trailer Park Boys, do yourself a favor and watch the first 3 seasons (because after that it gets stupid). And put yourself into the holiday spirit by watching their Xmas special. This movie has all the key elements for a great holiday movie: drinking, swearing, drugs, and Canadians. And the monologue at the end is probably the most profound outlook on the meaning of Christmas I have ever heard.
3. Christmas Bounty (MOVIE)
This is the WWE attempt at a Christmas movie. Starring Mike ‘The Miz’ Mizanin, this movie is about a family of bounty hunters who are tracking down a recently released mobster. The movie is filled with corny one-liners, unnecessary violence, and a representation of people from New Jersey that is slightly racist; which makes this movie great. The fact that the movie has nothing to do with Christmas other than it takes place around Christmas, is beside the point. The dance scene during the credits is awkwardly awesome.
4. The Black Adder Christmas Carol (TV)
I’m a fan of British comedy and The Black Adder is a great show full of sarcasm and scheming. The Christmas episode is no different. Filled with great actors like Rowan Atkinson (The Black Adder, Mr. Bean), Hugh Laurie (House), and Robbie Coltrane (Hagrid in Harry Potter), the special puts a different spin on the classic story. If you like British comedies and are tired of the same old sad bastard happy family Christmas movies, watch this and feel good about your heart turning black.
5. Happy Christmas (MOVIE)
This is another movie that has nothing to do with Christmas other than it occurred around Christmas. But, so was the Christmas classic, Die Hard. Anna Kendrick plays an awesome 20-something who moves in with her brother, his wife, and their toddler; gets drunk and proves to be an irresponsible babysitter and person. It’s definitely an indie movie and is shot like one, which makes it more real and, I think, more funny.
And now for the Naughty.
1. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Samurai: Christmas (TV)
I know you’re probably asking how the Megaforce Power Rangers is on the ‘Nice’ list and the Samurai Power Rangers is on the ‘Naughty’ list. The fact that the Rangers were wearing scarves and stocking hats the whole time when they were indoors peeved me. AND the fact their “Mentor Ji” is obviously not Japanese.
2. All American Christmas Carol (MOVIE)
With this kind of cast, you would think this movie would have at least some sort of potential (Taryn Manning, Beverly D’Angelo, Wendy McLendon-Covey, Eric Roberts, Meat Loaf). But all that potential gets flushed straight down the toilet along with the weak storyline. Honestly, not only the worst Christmas movie I have ever seen, but one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Save the time and just punch yourself in the throat rather than watch this movie.
3. Journey to the Christmas Star (MOVIE)
This is a Norwegian movie that I’m sure in the native language is very good, but with the English lip dubbing loses a lot of the translation. It’s actually pretty funny to watch once you realize the voices aren’t coming from the people. Once I realized this (10 minutes into the movie because I didn’t know if I was drunk or if it was dubbed), that was the only thing I could focus on. Not a bad movie, just not my cup of Aquavit.
4. Silver Bells (MOVIE)
Salvation Army propaganda movie. I can’t be certain, but I’m pretty sure I was hearing “you’re a terrible person, go volunteer for the Salvation Army” being whispered in a subliminal messaging attempt throughout the whole movie. This isn’t a bad Christmas movie. It’s corny, the acting is questionable, and the storyline was predictable. But the way it threw THE SALVATION ARMY in your face was kind of annoying.
5. The Mistle-Tones (MOVIE)
Tori Spelling…that is all. Some honorable mentions for the ‘Nice’ list: Santa Baby: 2 (Jenny McCarthy, Dean McDermott), Happy Naked Christmas (Korean), Ernest Saves Christmas (borderline classic).
This list should get you started and possibly put you in the holiday spirit. Remember; alcohol not only helps you get through the Christmas season, but also through most Christmas movies.
Watch them…for Jesus.
