2003’s Bad Santa made Christmas movie history by giving you, well the worst and most inappropriate Santa a team of writers could give you. You had all of the typical “Bad Santa” qualities that could fit into a 95-minute run: the drinking, the cursing, the philandering, for lack of a better word.
If you want to see a film about Santa Claus fetishes and Santa Claus attempting suicide, well than just watch Bad Santa, but just cause Billy Bob Thornton is the king of bad Santas, doesn’t mean there isn’t a series of horrible Kris Kringles roaming around. And I’m not just talking about Santa’s slapping some ass, I mean people who are giving the fuzzy red suit a bad name. Like fucking Whoopi Goldberg playing Santa, or a monotone dweeby Santa fighting martians. Why? Just, why?
So here are the ugly, the unnecessary and the traumatic Santas to have disgraced Netflix. They may not be as entertaining as the real “Bad Santa,” but they are just as horrible.
TRADING PLACES (1983)
Though this comedy starring Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykord doesn’t center on a Santa Claus plot, Aykord does however end up as a Santa in one scene. Trading Places’wealthy Louis Winthorpe III(Aykord) rides a bus in a filthy Santa costume, eating salmon from his beard. Creeping out the other people in the bus, he gets off and tries to off himself, which he fails to do. Apparently Santa suicide is a recurring theme in this list, and these Santas do a horrible job at it.
A COUNTRY CHRISTMAS (2013)
The name says it all. Santa Claus is stranded in a barn after he has been banned by a politician who launched a global campaign to get rid of Santa. He’s like Christmas Hitler, but from a small town and with no actual power, and who somehow gets the WORLD to ban Santa. So Santa ends up in a barn and these kids try to help him regain his power by making him do “country stuff,” like using horses as reindeer – one of the most cliché plot twists ever to grace a Christmas film. A Country Christmas gives you a Country Santa that can also drive a truck and say “Yee-ha,” helping you understand why the other Santas tried to shoot themselves.
SANTA BABY 2 (2009)
You don’t have to watch the first Santa Baby to watch Santa Baby 2. I don’t think you even have to have an elementary school education to watch it, actually. Santa Baby 2 stars Jenny McCarthy who’s taking over the family business when her dad Santa decides to retire cause he’s having a mid-life crisis. Instead of buying a corvette like other hopeless middle-aged men, he decides to just ruin every child’s Christmas and make his daughter Jenny McCarthy his successor. If that Santa wasn’t bad enough, Jenny McCarthy as Santa is even worse – cause you know, she has to be all sexy as she tries to manage a team of small men making toys for children while balancing a love life with Luke played by Dean McDermott who is currently married to Tori Spelling in real life. This film is a chain of stupidity.
SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964)
Whoever wrote this was high. No arguing- fucking high. 1964’s Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is always on the worst films ever” lists, and for good reason, cause all this world really needed was a film about a Santa killing Martians. And the Santa here isn’t even cool-there’s no puns or smooth talk after he karate chops a Martian on the neck. Its just looks reminiscent to a bunch of kids playing pretend in their bedroom and making up this story…while high.
CALL ME CLAUS (2001)
Made for TV (surprise, surprise) Call Me Claus is about Whoopi Goldberg being selected as Santa’s next replacement. In the poorly amusing trailer you can find on Youtube, they try to sell you this film by giving you the line: “A whole new Santa is coming to town and she’s giving the Christmas spirit a little soul.” I mean ask yourself: Do you really want Whoopi Goldberg as your Santa? If you want to give this a chance, go ahead, it’s on Netflix- the one with the awkward movie poster of Whoopi Goldberg sitting on Santa’s lap. Also, Nigel Hawthorne who plays Santa died 24 days after the release of this film-it’s like the Ring for Christmas movies.