If there’s one thing I feel like I’ve been missing, it’s a good holiday BRAWL! A melee of merriment. Family fights are not only my favorite part of the holidays-it’s the part I love starting. Nothing is better than playing a game of WHO THE FUCK THREW NOG ON MY SHIRT!? No? Just me?
I’ve found some literal kick-ass bits on Netflix that are streaming RIGHT NOW to settle your blithesome bloodlust!
This is probably one of the best and most ridiculous holiday openings of all time. It takes place on Christmas Eve, involves double barrel shot guns, terrorism and… Lee Majors?! On their own, all those things sound wrong, but together they feel so right. Something about Santa holding an AK-47 right next to Mrs. Claus handles an uzi like a pro just makes me mighty merry. Unfortunately it’s just a spoof trailer for the film The Day The Reindeer Died which airs on the TV network Bill Murray is running. It may not be a real movie, but it’s one hell of a way to start a Christmas movie!
Season 6 Ep. 13
This was a Christmas episode that was TOO HOT FOR TV! They actually released this separately on DVD as a 45-minute special. Don’t worry, they made up for it heavily with enough horrible holiday cheer it will make your gums bleed. One of the major story lines involves Charlie who discovers that his mom sleeping with a bunch of different men dressed as Santa ISN’T normal. He ultimately develops a hatred for the jolly ol’ soul and it all comes crashing down when he is on the lap of a mall Santa. It’s CHARLIE… the man who enjoys killing rats and taking out trash when he’s in a good mood. He snaps on this poor man and it ends with the floor as red as his suit.
There are so many good fights in this scene, but aside from the boxing match with gratuitous nut shots to a Tony Cox, and Santa fighting a bunch of inanimate donkeys at a Texas mini-mall, there’s a scene that beats them all… god I love violent puns. At one point in the film Santa is attempting to kill himself but when he hands Thurmin Merman his suicide note, he realizes he’s sporting a new black eye. It immediately jump cuts to upbeat Christmas tones PUNCHING A TEEN IN THE FACE! Nothing’s better than a good underage punch in the face. It’s a quick but hilarious scene in a scene full of hilarious scenes.
This is the ultimate Christmas battle! Rocky sets a match to fight the impenetrable and undefeated Dolph Lundgren… the Russian monster who says “if he dies, he dies.” They set their main event battle for CHRISTMAS DAY! It all comes down to this… Two behemoths meet for a breathtaking heart POUNDING battle of brains and brawn.