TOO CHICKEN SHIT TO WATCH THE ‘THE INTERVIEW?’ HERE’S WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD.

Sony Pictures Entertainment announced today that they will indeed release the The Interview to only a limited number of theaters on Christmas day, the original theatrical date for the controversial film. After having been called out by the likes of Rob Lowe and the freaking president, Sony took a good look at themselves in the mirror and said, “Yeah, we are pussies.”

Giving into pressure by virtually almost everyone in Hollywood, Sony decided to do the American thing and take up on that freedom of speech thing our founding fathers were talked so much about. Though people of the likes of me well definitely take up this opportunity to watch Seth Rogen and James Franco assassinate Kim Jong Un and talk about poop, there might be some who will still be too chicken shit to watch the Interview.

Whether it’s fear that the film will be a dud (come on you guys, did you really think this would be Oscar worthy?), or that the mean hackers will target the theaters, here’s a list of things you can watch on Netflix while you stay home hiding under your blanket. It’s okay, we understand you have a case of Sony syndrome.

 

CYBERGEDDON (2012)

Cyber attacks- so many cyber attacks. Agent Chloe Jocelyn and agent Frank Parker need to stop a world ring of cyber attacks with a fellow hacking king. This will make you paranoid about what you have online and is basically a foreshadow of Sony’ s mess of a cyber attack. Maybe Sony should’ve hired these agents (or saw Cybergeddon), instead of hiding behind their stupid high school emails.

 

NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC’S INSIDE NORTH KOREA (2006)

Still curious about what North Korea is like? Though The Interviewdoesn’t give actual footage of the world’s most mysterious country, the Interview was a funny insight to a community  run by a maniac dictator of sorts. National Geographic’s Inside North Korea is the next big thing and will give you actual footage and history on North Korea. It might bore you too, but thats the price you pay for not watching The Interview. 

 

BRUNO (2009)

This comedy also stirred up some controversy with it’s portrayal of America’s handling of homosexuality. It has stupid gags and explicit jokes that you probably would’ve seen in the Interview. It also pissed a lot of people off, so if you feel like being pissed off by a satirical political comedy from the makers of Borat, than knock yourself out. But don’t expect it to be the best thing ever, cause just like the Interview, this film wasn’t meant to be educational or good.

 

TEAM AMERICA (2004)

Oh come on, we had to include Team America on this list. After Paramount pulled screenings of this 2004 film that pokes fun at Kim Jong-Un’s chubby glasses-wearing daddy, it was only natural that the film rebels of America would stream this on Netflix. You want to get back at Kim Jong-Un without him bombing your house? Than watch this and snicker silently.

 

30 ROCK “KLAUS AND GRETA” (2009)

(Season 4, Ep. 9)

Buzzfeed reported yesterday that Tina Fey kinda predicted this whole Sony fiasco years ago. In season 4 of 30 Rock, James Franco guest stars as himself, but himself with a pillow-fetish. Unless that part wasn’t made up…hmmm. Anyways, he tries to hire Jena as his girlfriend so people don’t know he’s in love with his pillow. In one scene, he starts talking about a movie he stars in that will no longer be released. The production company pulled the plug on it because his performance will be “deemed to provocative for America.” We hope so, Franco, we hope so.